It really starts to bug me that every time I open my wordpress account I draft a post, don’t publish it, and then it stays in the drafts forever. This post has actually been sitting in my drafts folder for over 6 months now.
I wasn’t doing a lot of daygame in 2017, and after going out for two weeks last summer I stopped it almost completely. For some reason, the fact that I wasn’t fucking anybody just stopped bugging me that hard. And as there was no itch, I had very little motivation to go out.
I did get two near-misses though, and nexted several girls who were obviously interested, but not with the let-me-grab-your-dick-right-now kind of enthusiasm. Looking back at it, I must admit it was stupid. Some of them were yes girls who just needed more comfort, and I was applying my uncaring asshole game instead and seeing if they’d stick. They didn’t.
Thus, in terms of girls, I’ve had exactly 0 new lays in 2017. Worst year since I’ve started daygame. And as of July 2018, nothing has changed, but I wasn’t really trying. Except for the gold digger. And as this story has revealed, my frame still sucks balls.
However, I’ve spent the freed up energy elsewhere. For most of 2017 I’ve been working crazy hours at the office, and now I’m on track to make roughly $350K in 2018. With a generous 13% flat tax rate, this is so much money I’ll have trouble finding ways to spend it if this goes on for several more years. Seriously, I remember times when I used to live on $2000 a year. Thus, I can say that I’ve more or less won the game of money in this life, and what’s left now is to make sure it doesn’t consume me and become an end in itself.
There is a part that’s bugging me though that’s hard to put into words. Looking at where I’m at, most of my peers will get envious. I’m a tech manager responsible for a product that’s used by millions, I’m known in the community, I have a team of 80 brilliant engineers most of whom genuinely admire me (and to some of whom I’m basically serving as a masculine father figure they’ve never had), and I’m making some very good money. I should be happy, right?
This is what I wrote about it at the end of 2017:
Well, I can’t say I’m happy, and I’m not seeing how this could change in the future. I will be making more money, that’s for sure. My team will grow, as will my responsibilities. But is it worth putting 60 hr/week into it for several more years? I doubt it. My job has somehow devoured my life, and I don’t think this is healthy. Seriously, most of the days I come home so squeezed out that I just lie down and watch some mindless shit on youtube. Is this how success looks? I bet no.
And now as I’m writing this I’ve just realized that this way of life has become a habit for me, and while I’m not happy, I do feel comfortable with the way things are. I really need to change that. You know, delegate more, and then don’t let the new areas that pop up to creep up on my freed-up time.
As of July 2018, the plan to delegate is more or less working out. I’ve stopped working on weekends, and sometimes I have enough energy in the evenings to do what I want.
And I have also started some side gigs. If everything goes as planned, I’ll get to net worth of several million in five years, and from there life gets way easier as I could have an option not to work for the rest of my life without sacrificing my current lifestyle. As always, it might not work out. Right now I should just cast aside all doubts and press on.
I’ve also finally received my driver’s license in 2017. This is nothing to be proud of actually, as I’ve been postponing it forever, until I suddenly discovered I was 29 and didn’t know how to drive. It’s one thing when you’re 19, but at 29 this is a major DLV. Or at least that’s the way I saw it. So the good part is that now I can fuck chicks in my car. Not like I’ve tried it, but I do like having the freedom to do it.
In these 1.5 years I’ve become a much more open and relaxed person, and people around have noticed. One of my acquaintances even told me that when he talked to me three years ago I’ve left an impression of a conceited snob, totally contrary to who I am now. Doh! I guess the more real value you have, the easier it gets to shed the fake maladaptive badassery that the PUA world teaches you to adopt, and the smugness borne out of a need of your ego to protect you from the harsh truth that you’re not the person you want to be.
And as everything in life, this is very ironic. You start low value, struggle, find some tricks that seem to work, integrate them into your life. And they do seem to work! You suddenly start going on dates with girls one or two SMV points above you, and sometimes even fuck them (not my case, but I guess I wasn’t putting enough effort into it). “This shit is like magic!” is what you think, without realizing that this magic isn’t coming for free and you’re still paying the price, just not in obvious ways. Faking till you make it works, but it is important to remember what the process is:
- At first, you are faking it. People will notice, and this is the first part of the price you’re paying.
- You work your ass off, put in the work required, and make it. This is the second part of the price.
- Once you make it, it is important to stop faking.
Some people get stuck at (1). Some people make it, but never complete the 3rd step. The irony? Remove (1) & (3) and suddenly the process gets waaay simpler while retaining the core part of putting in the work. The reality is more complex though, as the longer way looks and feels easier.
Promises (not) kept
Re-reading my post from early 2017, I can see that not everything went as planned. I didn’t do much daygame in 2017. I remember how in 2016 after five weeks of daygame I suddenly started feeling as if the life I was living wasn’t my own. I have a feeling that I was onto something back then, and I really want to go down that rabbit hole. This is a plan for the rest of 2018.
I did start taking better care of myself, pretty much as planned. I sleep on schedule, turn up at the office early, work out 3x a week (but I do skip workouts from time to time though), do minor exercises almost every morning, eat healthy, adjust my supplements based on bloodwork. Re-reading this, I almost want to say “good boy!” to myself!
And financially everything has played out even better than I was hoping for. Hopefully I’ll finally buy an apartment in one of the skyscrapers in central Moscow this year. Always wanted to live on the 50th floor.
Regarding the “big picture” part that I’ve written about, nothing has really changed. I’m still not even close to making science fiction that I was reading as a kid a reality, and it’s not like I’m working on it. Moreover, my current plans for the next 5-10 years look very mundane. If everything works out, in 10 years I’ll be a millionaire happily married to a young nerdy girl, raising our kids, taking care of our elders, just like a normal person. It saddens me to write that, but what I’ve always wanted was to be normal. You know, fall in love, have a healthy relationship, have kids. It’s when the “healthy relationship” part failed to materialize for far too long that I’ve started this detour into game, human nature, career, money, validation sex, and other sins of modern society, in the process forgetting the reason I started it all.
It is childish to a degree. I remember when I was a kid how I would throw a tantrum if my parents were to deny me a toy that I really wanted. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t, and I would lie down in bed crying, thinking how I wanted an escape from this. Well, I’ve grown up, parents were no longer in the picture, but this time life itself has denied me what I wanted. My reaction? “Fuck you, I don’t even need these stupid relationships, I’ll just fuck my way though as many girls as I’d want to, and I’ll do it in spite of all the rules you’ve put up, fuck the rules, fuck the value hierarchies, fuck the feelings of other people, I’m stronger than that, I’ll find a way around, I have PUA magic at my disposal, I’ll show you how wrong you are!” Does that look like a sound reasoning of a well-developed adult to you? Neither it does to me.
I’m coming full circle. Was there ever an option not to take the detour? I don’t think there was, at least not for me. And I haven’t come full circle yet, I still want to fuck my way through enough girls to get tired of it!
Plans for the rest of 2018
This post is getting way too long. So just some bullet points:
- Do some real daygame, see what lies beyond the “this life I’m living doesn’t feel like my own” line. Get more notches. And actually start doing the shit Yohami’s recommending. Though I might not be able to squeeze the latter part into the 5 months I have left.
- Continue cutting down on work, but make sure my career doesn’t take much of a hit. This is going to be very difficult.
- Spend enough time on my side gigs so that they take off.
- Buy an apartment. Unlikely to happen this year, but I’ll try.
There’s not much time left.